Know Your Enemy: Karl Foley
Well, my dear alumni, it seems like we are doing the “first things first” introductions, which is fine with me. There is really only a couple things that you need to know about me, and the most important is….I’m this guy.
And I know what all you jokers are thinking: “Who the fuck is That Guy?” And you know what I have to say to all of you washed up old men? Relax, I go to Vassar. This is what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m a freshman, this is what college is all about. And I thought this was a free country.
In the interest of being fair, I’ll warn you guys. When you meet me, I’m gonna be a quiet, well-mannered, decently good looking young man, but as this picture attests, I can promise you that I’m the craziest son of a bitch you’re ever likely to meet. I mean, Dudes, just Look at me!
Well fellas, I’m not only that guy. I’m also this guy.
This is me and my girl. She doesn’t even go to Vassar, but I’m still with her, cause that’s what I do. I mean seriously fellas, would you just throw this away? I plowed so many chicks in high school that I thought it was time to settle down. Shit, people can laugh all they want, “Oh Karl, what are you doing at such a slutty school with a girlfriend from home?!” At these moments I do my Karl Chuckle. The lonely times are worth the smug satisfaction of turning away all those drunk, sexually liberated feminists as they throw themselves at my feet. As I walk out the door I slowly turn around and whisper, “I can’t, I have a girlfriend…..at home.” You should just see the looks on their faces!
What?! Someone is telling me I need to talk about rugby. Honestly, I don’t really see the point but I’ll tell you a couple tidbits. I’m the greatest freshman inside center that Vassar has ever seen. In fact, I’m so good that I’ve already been named a Captain. That’s right, I’m already known as Cap’n Karl and i’ve been playing for less than a year. And quite honestly fellas, you can forget about even approaching me unless you are willing to call me your Captain. Are you jealous Danny Thomas?!
In closing gentlemen, I may be young and in love, but I have stories and experiences that would blow your minds. Just this March, I entered Men’s Rugby Legend with a night that would make most of you blush recounting it to your wives. I’m just that good.